It may come as some surprise to you that, as well as being a lover of punk, post-punk and folk, living in London has opened my eyes to the joys of techno. I have long been an admirer of Aphex Twin and Alec Empire and so it was a logical progression to some of the more esoteric sounds that now regularly soundtrack my Friday nights at the Tottenham underground club I frequent. On my last visit, DJ Stash supplied me with an armful of records (actually a memory stick) that he said I might like to review. Always happy to oblige.
Gezundtheid – (Cumin) Atchoo. Now if I had ingested a cranium full of cumin, rather than the ketamine I normally consume, I would be sneezing as well. This sounds like the aural equivalent of having a swab pushed so far up your nasal cavity that you are left squirming in agony, thrashing around trying to find relief. Tinnitus would be preferable to this – in fact this is what tinnitus sounds like. I can’t wait to see people attempt to dance to this.
Fucknob – Fuck My Shitty Nob (And Then Suck Me, Bitch). New York performance artist, Molly Mollycoddle, takes the blueprint laid down by John Sex thirty years ago and runs it into the ground. Irrespective of the sexual, and sexist, undercurrents of the title, this is a mighty tune that takes the bass from some dub reggae track and speeds it up while Molly wails “Fuck My Shitty Nob” over increasing bass pandemonium. The presence of a woman’s voice subtly subverts the disturbingly sexist title until you imagine Molly emerging triumphant with a giant strap-on (albeit a rather messy one). This is the shit.
Arkan – U Dnt Mess Wiv Me (And Live Bro). Yes I do! If you take your name from a Balkan warlord, you need to live up to the hype. Arkan sounds like someone who has had his notebook flushed down the toilet and sweets taken off him and then threatens to tell his mum. The music is equally as weedy. Lightweight (and I say that knowing you live in my hood)! Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough, or better still, send your mum.
Abu Hamza – Hook Me Up (Muslim Pirate remix). If there had been a better hook to this, Abu Hamza would have nailed it. As it is, this sounds like Nine Inch Nails crucifying Jesus Jones. That good.
Collateral Damage – Druze Victory (DJ Shrinkrap mix). You know that bit in every Faithless song where a stoned Maxi Jazz starts to speak gibberish hippy shit before Sister Bliss plonks out a couple of chords? This is like that for 15 fucking minutes, over and over. I hate Faithless but even they don’t deserve this.
Craven Coward – Hole. When I initially read this I thought some misguided fool had allowed Courtney Love back into a studio to record a song about Dave Grohl. Berlin based Craven Coward sound like Burial, but a slowed down Burial so that every note is stretched and elongated and seems to last an eternity. With strobe lighting and the right drugs, this could be immense on the dancefloor.
Diaspora – Mu Pi. Throbbing Gristle spent years encased in a fortified complex trying to find the exact frequency which would make an entire live audience evacuate their bowels. Diaspora need to let Genesis P-Orridge in on the secret. Mu Pi made me have a dump on my living room floor as a form of dirty protest.