Is There A Wigga In Da House? Yes, Sir, Me, Sir, Tim Tim Fucking Dim Westwood

Is there a Wigga in the house? I said,  is there a Wigga in the house? Damn right there’s a muthafucking Wigga in the house, and it’s the biggest muthafucking Wigga out there – the Big Dawg (the word is ‘dog,’ Tim) himself, middle class bishop’s son from the hood of Peterborough.

I first encountered this creature, this artifice, this talentless conch, on a late night music tv programme my father was watching. I couldn’t sleep because of the explosions and he let me stay up to watch this show where Westwood was reviewing videos along with another man who I now realise was Craig Charles. “Why is this white man speaking in a silly voice?” was my  childish enquiry of my father. To which my father replied, and I remember his words vividly, “He is a deluded soul who has no idea of black people’s suffering and uses it for his own ends.” It was even more embarassing in that Charles was clearly mixed race and should have objected to this appropriation of a culture Westwood had no part of. Anyway, that was that. I thought no more of it. We moved from Beirut to Paris after my mother’s death and Paris had no need of a white man pretending to be black.

It was only when I moved to London I realised that not only was this same man still deluded by the colour of his skin but that he was actually making a very profitable living out of it. I genuinely was shocked. I know lots of black people who have real connections with the music genre Westwood deals in, so why, in this class ridden society you have here, is there a white man at the forefront? Oh I seem to have just answered that. In America, for all its racism,  it simply wouldn’t be tolerated and yet because Timothy went to public school and his father is a bishop he gets on in life – to the detriment of those more deserving.

So, as the years go on, he drops the ‘Tim’ (too middle class) and becomes ‘Westwood’ (sounds more American, more street). Maybe next he’ll drop the ‘West’ and simply become ‘Wood.’ I’ve had the misfortune to hear interviews with him where he talks nonchalantly about “pimping” and claims that American strip clubs “are proper nights of entertainment.” For you and the other men who can afford to jerk off at these places, maybe: try telling that to the girls who are trying to put a meal on the table for their family. Listening to him, you would think he was best friends with all the major rap stars. Not since Lester Bangs has there been a bigger starfucker – but at least Bangs had talent.

And all these stars whose arses you so assiduously lick, do you want to know what they think of you, Timothy? Because this is your punishment. I shall line them up so they can bitch slap you in the way you deserve because I know they are desperate to do it. Anyone that can steal another person’s culture and profit from it in the naked way you have done deserves no less. Oh and that drive by shooting – congratulations on making it look so convincing.

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