King Monkey – Armless, Legless and Clueless

King Monkey, or Ian Brown as he is known to his friend, has committed many crimes both to music and to humanity. It starts with The Stone Roses who produced the most overrated indie album of all time, a record so insipid and weak, it made Talulah Gosh  sound like a clash between Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and Napalm Death. But I have not come to slay The Stone Roses – indeed I have a soft spot for Mani who once held the door open for me in a  sex shop in the Pigalle and asked if 100 euros ‘was enough, luv?’  It wasn’t then, Mani, and it isn’t now.

No I have come for Ian Brown – or King Monkey as he used to be affectionately known by Amazonian tribes who were excited at the prospect of lopping off the top of his head, scooping out the brain and eating it until they’d met him and realised there wouldn’t be much of a meal there. Let’s start with The Late Show where Brown was heard to loudly complain that the BBC technicians were amateurs for turning off the power and preventing the band completing their song. In fact, the technicians couldn’t have been more professional and, not being able to bear another  flat note emerging from Brown’s voice, they did us all a favour by pulling the plug. There was national concern that the canine population could rise en masse and turn on their owners unless Brown was stopped. Indeed, wherever the band played live, dogs had to be quarantined for the hour the band was on stage.

And then, of course, there is that unfortunate plane incident. It’s one thing for Peter Buck to throw yoghurt around an aircraft cabin but quite another for a man in a relatively powerful position to threaten a young woman with the severing of her limbs unless he gets his pathetic, childish way. And so for that misogynistic, cowardly assault, the arty assassin has come for you, Ian Brown. When you are in my clutches, you will be spreadeagled and tethered to a bed whilst each of your limbs is surgically removed forcing you to slither to the floor, rolling around grunting and squealing – oh but that’s your default singing voice anyway, so no harm done.

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29 Responses to King Monkey – Armless, Legless and Clueless

  1. You cunt


  2. I don’t suppose for an instant that it is really you but if it is, your comment merely displays the facility you have with the English language. If it isn’t you, it displays the intellectual level of debate of which your fans are capable. I’m so pleased my little article pleased you.

    Charlotte x


  3. Mani



    • There, there. Just because you couldn’t have your way with me in Paris.


  4. Frank Frontbottom

    He missed out the word pretentious


    • Pretentious, moi? I am French – it is a natural condition although we choose to call it intellectualism. Well done for spelling pretentious correctly though. By far the longest word any of you morons has managed.


  5. Frank Frontbottom

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha. Call it what you like, you’re still a crashing bore. How’s the weekly trip to Oxfam gone, you do gooder you.


  6. Sometimes you English have no logic at all. How is going to Oxfam to look for records that I want do-gooding? Anyway, judging by the name you have chosen for yourself, you are the cunt. Now if I bore you, fuck off!


  7. Lizziewel

    Hi – thanks for this, you have made my day, how Ian Brown ever made it as a musician is beyond me the only reason the studio recordings are passable is that the drummer filled in the tone for his pathetic squeaky voice. Anyone who goes to see them live will be sorely disappointed. He is a disservice to music and Manchester.


  8. Love it – hilarious!


  9. Marquee Moon

    Superb…..what a pair of tossers, the faux Messrs Brown and Wren are…

    More power to your elbow, Charlotte….keep them coming. EVERYTHING written on this blog is wonderfully written and the playlist is perfection.

    *Right, that’s a fiver you owe me young lady….*


  10. Craig

    Oh dear such spite,such violence , one can only wonder what the real problem can be here because singing out of tune and releasing records you don,t care for dosn,t deserve off the wall anger like this. Full kudos to you for pointing out Eric Claptouts two faced racism ,I mean here is a man who made a fortune rehashing black music in lou of any original ideas of his own and who Kieth Richard(s) even calls lazy and lucky .Pot Black NO ?
    But such psycopathic ramblings are quite disturbing.
    I wonder how you spend your time on a day to day basis.
    There was a young black child who used to sing with his older brothers to great success until he left to release even better solo records,but by his management he was told he was still just another black singer, so he deliberatly started living an eccentric life to gain publicity.As the years past what was once a put on became his reality and he became a very damaged human being.It the worst he was accused of paedophile due to his inappropriate behavior and his hypochondria and reliance on dodgy doctors eventually killed him.Oh and dispite hugh record sales he was broke!
    And so Artypants how do you spend your time on a day to day basis,not doing this junk I hope ? If it is I wonder what the real problem is , certainly not Ian Brown.
    You protest to much
    Regards Craig


    • Well, despite spelling that would embarass my six year old, there is a coherent attempt at an argument here. You haven’t really got the point of my website or who I am at all, have you? Thanks for confirming my doctor’s diagnosis – I am currently taking anti-psychotic drugs: I did not take on the mantle of an assassin without clear insight into my condition. Growing up in the 1980s in Beirut and seeing friends killed has left me scarred and perhaps this website is my attempt to make some sense of this by transferring my anger onto those pompous, egotistical idiots who debase one of our greatest art forms. But, apart from my medication and concerns over my health, I have a loving family in Paris and good friends in London where I live. I am as happy as I shall ever be and don’t need a medical diagnosis from one who is not qualified to give it and one who is as ill educated as yourself. I don’t know citrus records but shall ensure I become acquainted with your repertoire of artists.

      Love, as always, Charlotte x

      PS And if you haven’t read the oeuvre of Jonathon Swift, I suggest you acquaint yourself with true satire and try to understand the intrinsic humour in what I do.


  11. Oh deary me people, do you have no sense of humour? No one is denying that the Stone Roses, and even Ian Brown as a solo artist, have produced some of the most magnificent songs in the history of popular music; but surely it’s impossible to deny that sometimes Mr Brown has… tuning issues. And had a big strop on The Late Show. This is fact.

    Indeed, the Stone Roses at Reading remains the only eagerly-anticipated performance from which I have ever walked away from mid-set in despair. Kevin Rowlands in his dress period was a near-run thing, but I stayed for the sheer, perverse fascination of the spectacle.

    However, this isn’t the point. The Arty Assassin’s post above is a shining example of satire at its most acerbic. Surely the clue to her tongue-in-cheek approach is in her blog moniker alone, even before you read further.

    If she were to turn her sights on one of the musicians I most revere (and considering they include Stevie Nicks and Bono, I am fully aware that they are ripe for a ribbing, and indeed have often attracted literary attacks of a far lower standard of wit), I would be delighted for her to add them to her Hit List, as I know that she would deliver with the highest level of humour, and it would be a joy to read.

    Charlotte – keep up the fabulous work. I for one, salute you.


    • Sorry to disappoint, Catriona, but I like U2 and ‘Rumours’ was one of the best records ever made (have you heard the live Fleetwood Mac LP made whilst touring ‘Rumours’; some of the songs are actually better than the studio versions)? I agree that Bono’s papist pontifications (not to mention his Facebook shares) deserve some form of retribution and sometimes Stevie Nicks needs more than some cocaine shoved up her ass but, for now, there are others more deserving. I am gratified that some of you who reply have sufficient intelligence to understand the nature of this site and I shall continue to endeavour to annoy those of you with no wit or intelligence who insist on replying.


  12. Simon

    Absolutely spot on!


  13. John Squire

    Its been said that you are a cunt by a couple of my friends.May I add that you sir are a french cunt.Au revoir…wanker


    • Well I don’t know how thick you have to be to write that and not understand the concept of satirical writing but I guess a Stones Roses fan will suffice. Somehow I don’t think John Squire will appreciate the misappropriation of his name as you are Is that meant to be get harmony, get money? Get to a fucking school and learn how to spell, shithead, and I’m a WOMAN. You probably aren’t familiar with them in your primeval, neanderthal existence. Now crawl back under that stone and listen to your shit music sung by a talentless twat.


  14. Rich

    I just wish people would get their facts right. The late show strop was a planned publicity stunt darling, common knowledge is that. The BBC studio they were appearing in was not geared up for Audio performances. To put it bluntly they turned up the equipment when told not to…..BANG. Instant talking point.

    I’ve seen the Roses on 2 occasions. Once in 96 it was ‘ok’ & the opening night of Heaton Park last year which was up there with the best gigs I’ve seen. I’ve seen Brown perform solo & it certainly can be a mixed bag.

    It speaks volumes though that you like U2. 😉 – has Bono reinvented himself? New hat perhaps? Wacky glasses? Or just some good old fashioned tax dodging.


    • If it was a publicity stunt, it was probably hatched by the band’s management only too aware that playing live on national TV would expose the band’s many shortcomings and scupper their career there and then. The studio they played in had been used by other bands in the past and was suitably equipped – the show regularly had musical performers. I am not enamoured of U2, simply like some of their early singles although I find it odd you choose to use U2 as an example of a band who have not reinvented themselves: they have done so on many occasions – usually for the worse. And if I was forced to have a drink with either Bono or Ian Brown, I would choose the intelligent, articulate (and tax dodging) Bono over the the oafish, woman beating Brown every time.


  15. Rich

    The bands management? At the time that was Gareth Evens who wouldn’t of had the capacity to of even think of a PR stunt. Thing is it’s clear here that you have a personal dislike towards Brown which of course is fair enough but you how can you seriously sit there & slate their songs which musically are timeless & lyrically on the most part clever, political, morbid & more often than not things that normal folk feel than can connect to. The fact it constantly has been voted in top 10 albums by recognised publications can’t be coincidence can it?

    My comment re Bono was clearly ironic no? – musically so bland & the fact that no one really knows ANY other band members names is fairly apt. Anyway I’m doing a you here as I’m personally digging out the biggest faker in the history. A man who tells us to dig deep & care about the starving children but then flies a hat from Dublin to NYC on a private chartered plane. (True story)

    You may well prefer a drink with Bono my love, chances are you’ll be paying for it.

    Thing is I actually found the write up funny bug you should direct it towards the dire state of pop music now rather than towards a band that will still be enjoying in 50 years time.



    • So you’re trying to say the band’s management are as thick as the band themselves. Surprisingly, I do have a personal dislike of a man who beats up and threatens women and I seriously do think that hallowed Stone Roses’ record is one of the most overrated in the history of pop music. It is poorly produced, weakly played and badly sung. The sound is anaemic and the songs tedious and boring with no imagination – hence the type of followers they attract.

      If Bono did hire a plane to fly a hat from Dublin to NYC then he is clearly a twat but surely the other members of U2 are nearly as well known as Bono. At least one stand up comic bases a routine around The Edge. And if Bono won’t stand me a drink, he can fuck off. Thanks for the compliment at the end though and for proving that not all Roses’ fans are neanderthal thugs incapable of stringing a sentence together.

      C x


  16. Rich

    We must agree to disagree on the debut offering, John Leckie is a legendary producer & the record itself with a very 60’s feel was actually made for vinyl although 89 was the year that CD’s took off & I do believe it sounds better on vinyl. You say anaemic but it as elements of the Byrds, 60’s pop & it’s meant to be chime like. The story goes the Leckie actually turned down the mix telling them that they weren’t stars….yet. ‘Weakly played’ ahem, Squire, Mani & Reni are surblime players come on, see past your hatred for Brown & acknowledge that at least. Mani’s base lines dance around tight, funky, effortless beats. Squire’s Gretch Country gent (guitar) is faultless & he don’t need 120 pedals & a broke back mountain hat + nickname to be noticed 😉

    I do feel qualified to have an opinion on this as I’m a musician….well drummer (boom boom). Alan Wren is a tremendously naturally talented sticksman, possibly up there with Moon & Bonham & the very reason I started playing drums. I’d argue it’s a band like Oasis who have pulled the wool over the masses eyes & who are guiltily of weak playing & moronic football terrace fans. Guilty of releasing poor Beatle b sides but that’s another story all together.

    Anyway I must go now but before I do….. Shameless plug time. I’m only in a band part time, hobbie if truth be told. You can find our tunes at: – that’s us. Have a listen if you can be arsed to but down The Best of U2 🙂

    It’s been fun.



    • Haha. For the sheer effort you have put into these replies and the fact that, equipment wise at least, you appear to know what you are talking about, I shall post this unashamed plug. I have deliberately not listened yet as if I do I may not publish your post. We may disagree but good luck with the music.

      C x


  17. Lucinda

    He may not have the best of voices but he sure as hell has bags of charisma and judging by your post you clearly don’t, and if Geno Washington believed Ian could be a star it doesn’t matter about your opinion.
    Their eponymous album was voted the best British album by NME and you can’t say that John Squire, Mani and Reni aren’t talented musicians.
    I seriously doubt the part about Mani is true.


    • If by “bags of charisma” you mean the ability to beat up women, threaten air stewardesses and make homophobic comments, then I feel sorry for you. And, frankly, I don’t give a damn whether you think I have charisma or not. By your definition, I am glad I do not. Emerson, Lake and Palmer were talented musicians but they were still shit.


  18. Lucinda

    There is no solid proof that he beats up women, simply rumours.
    I find it very sad that your opinion of someone is based on tabloids but never the less Ian Brown will never give a fuck about your opinion so there we go.


    • So I must have imagined he spent time in prison for threatening a woman then. And I see you make no mention of the numerous homophobic comments he has made in the past. He wouldn’t have the intellect to understand my opinion.


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